Sunday, June 12, 2011

Longest Post Ever but Really, Help Me Out Here! (Controversial and You Will Probably Hate My Guts.)

First, let me just say, I know I am not an expert on anything, but I have made some observations over the years and this is just my POV. Having said that, over the course of my life I have obtained both male and female friends (often more male than female and for good reason sadly) I’ve often witnessed a lot of bitter sounding comments from both parties. In short there is a whole lot of blame coming from each side regarding the decline of today’s relationships. And I’m thinking there’s gotta be something to this. It can’t just entirely be the fault of one group, after all, it really does take two to tango. (So what if it’s cliché don’t judge me!)

The Initial Meeting:

Women want men to do all the work in the initial meeting. Women don’t get mad at me for saying it. I’m hearing it (maybe not in those words exactly) from both sides of the fence. Men are tired of doing the work. Traditionally it’s been expected that the men approach the women. However, I have had countless men tell me that they’ve been outright rejected on the “nice” approach. Apparently there are tons of men who’ve crashed and burned like a raging gasoline powered inferno using something similar to, “Hi, I’m (insert name) I’d like to get to know you better.” Women I’m sure you’re ready to beat be over the head with a stick and vehemently disagree but after hearing the same story from so many men I am inclined to see their viewpoint as valid. On the other hand, men, just because it hasn’t worked a few times doesn’t mean it won’t work ever. The women or girl you tried to be nice to could have likely been a juvenile idiot who wouldn’t have known a decent guy if she had possession of a nice-o-meter. You can’t judge every experience based on some bad ones. Still women, so many of us are claiming to be these “new age” women. So if we’re so advanced why can’t we get off our hineys and just tell a man we’re interested and while we’re at it, avoid playing those ridiculous games, such as feigning disinterest, when the guy you like does approach you. Let me provide a little clarity, to him, that is not a hint that you are interested and neither is a short stare from across the room, then quickly averting your eyes. Really, that could mean absolutely anything… or nothing.


Now that everyone wants to kick my ass let’s talk about the horrid state of communication most couples dwell in. First off, when we first meet someone we are so busy trying to impress them that we’re being like 10% of our true selves (I’m really being gracious with that number by the way). We hide all our flaws while we’re in that cute lovey dovey honey moon faze and then try and act surprise when someone shows their true colors. What happened to getting to know people and trying to develop some sort of common ground or heaven forbid friendship with someone. No, we all want to rush right in to the relationship and then wonder why things fail. Most don’t have any real talk about their true interests or things that might have any substantial impact on a relationship (i.e. the fact that one of you hates kids and the other one wants to have twenty five). Nope, we have three dates in which we pretend not to have any flaws then hop right in the bed afterward proclaiming how great the “relationship” is. Both men and women are guilty of this so I don’t want to hear who’s responsible for this issue. I’ve counseled too many couples to have seen enough evidence. How about we try for a second to love who we are enough to show at least some of it to someone else and get to know each other as human beings instead of just glorified bed partners. *ducks rotten fruit* Oh you hate me now? I’m no where near done.


Once people have realized they don’t even know the person they’re with, they get angry… not to mention selfish. So many people want someone else to make them whole instead of taking the time to nurture and love themselves. Too many women want to be their man’s “everything”. If their man so much as tilts his head in the direction of another women is girlfriend is calling him all kinds of cheaters and liars. I have actually heard woman say that if their man looks at someone else he must not love her, be attracted to her, respect her… whatever. Perhaps the guy just noticed another woman, hell the man is only human and there are so many of us floating around, if he never looked at another woman again he’d damn near have to be blind to accomplish it. Now if he tried to sneak off after her then that’s a different story entirely. But men I will say, try not to make it a point to drool over some other chick for in incessant period of time, while with your lady, because then you would deserve a beat down. There’s a big difference between an admiring glance and a leer.
And here’s another one I don’t get. Sooooooooooooooooo many men seem to want women to be completely logical all the time and ignore their emotions. Um… for real. Earth to men, you already know that the overwhelming majority of women are emotional right? And that if you want to have a successful relationship with a woman you will have to learn to deal with this. Women enjoy their emotions and like to express them, and frankly what’s so wrong with this? Should we all be stiff robot type people who only go about life having discussions and experiences based only upon cold hard facts and intellect? How hard would it be to just for once take an interest in what your woman is expressing rather than judge her for expressing? Perhaps she won’t stop about it because she is feeling ignored and just a little bit of real quality time together could do wonders as far as bridging the gap between what everyone wants. However, women, there is a different between clear communication regarding emotions and unrealistic expectations. Don’t expect your man to be a mind reader. Throwing around veiled hints and hoping that he becomes psychic enough to catch your thoughts is ridiculous. Don’t expect him to catch the hint, be a grown up and spell out what you desire from him and guess what, if you’re in a loving relationship he’ll probably do it! Wanting to change your significant other into someone else to suit your needs is unrealistic and if you don’t like who they really are perhaps we should refer back to the communication piece and try to get to know people before rushing into relationships with them.

Relations (yeah I’m being a lil silly, but a girl’s gotta have some fun sometime):

Oh this is a biggy isn’t it? So many of us have vastly different view points as far as what is required or acceptable in a relationship. Some people want three times a week, some want three times a day, some want three times a month. Some like to role play and some like to be all consumed. Some like monogamy some like open relationships. All of these things would be discovered toward the beginning if we actually used that communication piece talked about earlier. If you know you aren’t compatible in this area you know it’s going to be an issue later on. Sure sex isn’t everything but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking it means nothing either. It’s important. It’s one of the biggest things couples argue about. People are afraid to have frank discussions about this for fear of pushing away their current squeeze. But seriously if this is that big of a concern, then your relationship has deeper issues. Talk about it, make your desires plane. Is this what most of us do? Nooooooooooooooo. Instead I’ve seen women more often than naught use it as a way to try and control their men. Making them sleep in a different room and withholding until you get what you want. Seriously, how does this make for a healthy relationship? If you have to go to these means to get what you want, again your relationship has deeper issues. Then when women withhold men find somewhere else to get it. Two wrongs don’t make a right people! Again, lack of communication causes a huge amount of issues. If everyone could just be real and say how they feel then maybe a lot of these issues could be avoided because we wouldn’t have to hint or learn to read minds.


Oh this is HUGE! After putting each other through all of the unnecessary crap we are then afraid that our significant other is going to leave because they’re sick of it(and well… some of them rightfully so and then some are just too weak to deal). So we get suspicious, we don’t communicate as much or as clearly, we start to suspect ridiculous things and then treat our man or woman as if they are already guilty of something because we are insecure. We’re afraid they’ll find someone better, prettier, richer… whatever. Are we all that shallow that we would leave our lover for the next piece of fine *ss that graces our presence? If you answered no then why would you assume it of your significant other? The bottom line is that most of those suspicious acts and treatments (masked as investigative work to see if he or she is cheating) are what causes them to want to leave in the first place. Spending all your time looking for flaws in your relationship destroys the very relationship you think you’re trying protect. Why spend all your time looking over your shoulder for something bad to happen? Is that the way we want to live our lives? I thought relationships were meant to be enjoyed. Love and trust your S/O and if something happens then deal with it then. “Preparing for the worst” (I absolutely abhor this whole idea, by the way) only makes you miserable before, during and after. Why spend all your time in misery and doubt. Who exactly is that serving? Does it make anyone feel better to be able to point the finger, cast the blame and say, “I was right,” then proceed to be sad about proving your foregone conclusion? If most of us pick trustworthy people in the first place and stop trying to change everyone into the relationship type knowing they are never going to be that then most of this would be a non-issue.

Bottom line (again), some people are just jerks, yes this is true, but the majority of us are just people who want to feel loved and be happy in our relationships. So why can’t we stop complicating things, and then blaming it on the other person when everything goes wrong? It takes two in a relationship and before you get to pointing the finger at someone else maybe we should all start taking a good hard look in the mirror. For those who know me you may be thinking, that’s easy for you to say, you’ve been with the same man for ten years. Well how do you think we’ve managed it? Everything hasn’t always been flowers and roses and there are still some days that test the strong foundation we’ve built. But it’s because we DO have a strong foundation that we work. Just some food for thought.

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