Thursday, January 7, 2010

Question of the Day (Week, Year even)

When was the last time you gave yourself an actual compliment and meant it? I mean really said (thought) something nice about yourself? Why do I want to know, you ask? You mean aside from the fact that I’m really nosy?

A few weeks ago The Man and I were at a forum. Sadly I can’t remember the main topic (kids kill your brain cells) but I remember we ended on a very crucial subject. A friend of mine, who happened to be at the forum, mentioned that she didn’t feel beautiful if her husband looked at any other woman other than her. She had to be the only woman he noticed or in her eyes he was putting her down and silently saying that she wasn’t good enough. Now I know them both personally and I know for a fact that he does not think this (he does not hide his thoughts) nor would he ever mention, murmur or mumble anything so ludicrous. So where was she coming up with these conclusions, if not from her husband? My answer, her own mind.

She has some self esteem problems (I know because I can sense them but also because she told me). She has an issue with self love and until she can come to grips with this fact and try to overcome it she will continue to have these issues no matter who she is with. Who he does or doesn’t look at is not the real issue it’s about how she sees herself. The most disturbing thing about this conversation was that she was not the only female with this point of view.

My question is, why are people (because this isn’t just woman thing though I do see it most often in women) putting their self worth in someone else’s hands. If we truly loved ourselves then we wouldn’t need verification from someone else of our greatness, smartness or beauty... would we? If we really knew it in our hearts then no one could tear us down.

The reason I am able to recognize these things in my friend is because I was once the same way until I understood what I was doing to myself. I believe that everyone wants to be loved and desired by their significant other and there is nothing wrong with that. What concerns me is how we are so willing to look to someone else for verification of these things instead of to the person who matters most. I think that self love can be a hard journey to follow but I also think it is one of the greatest. If you haven’t already started the journey then let’s do so now. Think about yourself, the real you, the one that no one else knows but you. Give yourself a real "feel good" compliment and bask in the glory that is so wonderfully you. I’m going right now!


Inez Kelley said...

Very deep thoughts before my morning coffee but I agree with you.

Waaaaay back when we were dating, my husband made a comment about my ex (a male model). I replied, hey--I left him, remember? I picked YOU!

It was a compliment to me and to him. HIM, because he had that whatever that I was looking for and to ME because I respected/loved myself enough to recognize that fact that a pretty face didn't make a pretty soul.

Jeannie Lin said...

A lot of thoughtful insight there. It's hard to accept love and praise from others if you don't love yourself first. Very true.

Hubby always makes me feel beautiful when I'm feeling schlumpy. He accuses me of fishing...which I am. But it's nice to hear it sometimes. :)

Jennifer Leeland said...

I don't know.
I've struggled with this all my life. There's a very loud "not good enough" voice in my head that pounds away at my self confidence. I've got no one to blame for it but myself, though I allow others to reinforce it.
Recently, the "you're to difficult to hang out with" voice was reinforced and I've had to realize that it's not reasonable.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but that doesn't mean I'm not valuable.
So, I guess I'm still learning.

Linda Rader said...

Maybe it has to do with an evolutionary need to be realistic, I don't know. But this is a thoughtful and very true post. I am going to compliment myself more now. That's the most important person who can compliment me. Thanks for the post.

Anonymous said...

I agree you have to love yourself first. Not an easy thing to do for most of us. We are always our own worst critics.

Personally, I am well aware of the low self-esteem issues I have. There are times when I wish I didn't have these issues and I am trying to overcome them. Add being a newly single woman to the mix and I am a low self-esteem nightmare! Just have to remember to always look on the positive side though. Thanks for this!