It appears that there is a huge debate on how we (The US) should handle sex education. There are some who want their kids to be totally abstinent and not even know about the existence of sex. Then there is the other extreme who wants everyone to throw caution to the wind and just load them up with condoms and let them have at it. You know me, I am all about the happy medium.
Since I was never forced into the idea of abstinence or made blind to the fact that sex did indeed exist, I fail to see how keeping our children completely ignorant is going to help them make any kind of informed and intelligent decision when faced with dilemmas, and trust me, they will and probably are already facing them. As technology has grown so has our young people’s exposure to the world. And too many times, before parents even have the chance to have the talk with their kids, they have already heard about it from their friends… which could be alarming considering who our children might be friends with at the time.
Now I’m not saying we should drop a steady stream of porn in their laps and say, “Here ya’ go.” I certainly don’t think that’s the way to go either. However I think a lot of people (teachers and even parents) are trying so hard to avoid having these crucial conversations with their kids because it’s probably going to be awkward for both sides. But if they aren’t presented with the facts of the good and bad, information regarding the risks as well as the rewards from a reliable source then where else are they going to get it? Make no mistake, they will hear about it from somewhere.
My mom never forbade me to do anything (knowing it would make whatever it was all the more enticing if she did), but she talked with me about sex whenever she saw a learning opportunity (moment of mortification usually on my end). We had honest discussion (as she tried to ignore my beet red face) and went over what was appropriate and what wasn’t (based on our beliefs, the conversation may vary for some). But she never hid it from me. Now I am not against abstinence, however I believe children should have the knowledge to correspond with why they should be abstinent if that is your belief. Saying, “Just don’t do it because I said so,” isn’t going to cut it… I don’t think it ever has.
I am afraid for children who are kept in the dark since they are the most uninformed. I feel they are the likeliest targets for those that would wish to do them harm. When I see reports of girls birthing babies at thirteen years of age, I become concerned that we could be having these talks “too late” if at all. I believe that having an honest discussion with our children about why they should wait, or be careful and use protection (or whatever it is we want to teach our individual children) could have a larger impact than pushing it off until later (like preteen or teenage years when it could be too late) or never at all. Perhaps we won’t or can’t reach them all, but we could give them and ourselves a fighting chance. Just my opinion.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Longest Post Ever but Really, Help Me Out Here! (Controversial and You Will Probably Hate My Guts.)
First, let me just say, I know I am not an expert on anything, but I have made some observations over the years and this is just my POV. Having said that, over the course of my life I have obtained both male and female friends (often more male than female and for good reason sadly) I’ve often witnessed a lot of bitter sounding comments from both parties. In short there is a whole lot of blame coming from each side regarding the decline of today’s relationships. And I’m thinking there’s gotta be something to this. It can’t just entirely be the fault of one group, after all, it really does take two to tango. (So what if it’s cliché don’t judge me!)
The Initial Meeting:
Women want men to do all the work in the initial meeting. Women don’t get mad at me for saying it. I’m hearing it (maybe not in those words exactly) from both sides of the fence. Men are tired of doing the work. Traditionally it’s been expected that the men approach the women. However, I have had countless men tell me that they’ve been outright rejected on the “nice” approach. Apparently there are tons of men who’ve crashed and burned like a raging gasoline powered inferno using something similar to, “Hi, I’m (insert name) I’d like to get to know you better.” Women I’m sure you’re ready to beat be over the head with a stick and vehemently disagree but after hearing the same story from so many men I am inclined to see their viewpoint as valid. On the other hand, men, just because it hasn’t worked a few times doesn’t mean it won’t work ever. The women or girl you tried to be nice to could have likely been a juvenile idiot who wouldn’t have known a decent guy if she had possession of a nice-o-meter. You can’t judge every experience based on some bad ones. Still women, so many of us are claiming to be these “new age” women. So if we’re so advanced why can’t we get off our hineys and just tell a man we’re interested and while we’re at it, avoid playing those ridiculous games, such as feigning disinterest, when the guy you like does approach you. Let me provide a little clarity, to him, that is not a hint that you are interested and neither is a short stare from across the room, then quickly averting your eyes. Really, that could mean absolutely anything… or nothing.
Communication:
Now that everyone wants to kick my ass let’s talk about the horrid state of communication most couples dwell in. First off, when we first meet someone we are so busy trying to impress them that we’re being like 10% of our true selves (I’m really being gracious with that number by the way). We hide all our flaws while we’re in that cute lovey dovey honey moon faze and then try and act surprise when someone shows their true colors. What happened to getting to know people and trying to develop some sort of common ground or heaven forbid friendship with someone. No, we all want to rush right in to the relationship and then wonder why things fail. Most don’t have any real talk about their true interests or things that might have any substantial impact on a relationship (i.e. the fact that one of you hates kids and the other one wants to have twenty five). Nope, we have three dates in which we pretend not to have any flaws then hop right in the bed afterward proclaiming how great the “relationship” is. Both men and women are guilty of this so I don’t want to hear who’s responsible for this issue. I’ve counseled too many couples to have seen enough evidence. How about we try for a second to love who we are enough to show at least some of it to someone else and get to know each other as human beings instead of just glorified bed partners. *ducks rotten fruit* Oh you hate me now? I’m no where near done.
Selfishness:
Once people have realized they don’t even know the person they’re with, they get angry… not to mention selfish. So many people want someone else to make them whole instead of taking the time to nurture and love themselves. Too many women want to be their man’s “everything”. If their man so much as tilts his head in the direction of another women is girlfriend is calling him all kinds of cheaters and liars. I have actually heard woman say that if their man looks at someone else he must not love her, be attracted to her, respect her… whatever. Perhaps the guy just noticed another woman, hell the man is only human and there are so many of us floating around, if he never looked at another woman again he’d damn near have to be blind to accomplish it. Now if he tried to sneak off after her then that’s a different story entirely. But men I will say, try not to make it a point to drool over some other chick for in incessant period of time, while with your lady, because then you would deserve a beat down. There’s a big difference between an admiring glance and a leer.
And here’s another one I don’t get. Sooooooooooooooooo many men seem to want women to be completely logical all the time and ignore their emotions. Um… for real. Earth to men, you already know that the overwhelming majority of women are emotional right? And that if you want to have a successful relationship with a woman you will have to learn to deal with this. Women enjoy their emotions and like to express them, and frankly what’s so wrong with this? Should we all be stiff robot type people who only go about life having discussions and experiences based only upon cold hard facts and intellect? How hard would it be to just for once take an interest in what your woman is expressing rather than judge her for expressing? Perhaps she won’t stop about it because she is feeling ignored and just a little bit of real quality time together could do wonders as far as bridging the gap between what everyone wants. However, women, there is a different between clear communication regarding emotions and unrealistic expectations. Don’t expect your man to be a mind reader. Throwing around veiled hints and hoping that he becomes psychic enough to catch your thoughts is ridiculous. Don’t expect him to catch the hint, be a grown up and spell out what you desire from him and guess what, if you’re in a loving relationship he’ll probably do it! Wanting to change your significant other into someone else to suit your needs is unrealistic and if you don’t like who they really are perhaps we should refer back to the communication piece and try to get to know people before rushing into relationships with them.
Relations (yeah I’m being a lil silly, but a girl’s gotta have some fun sometime):
Oh this is a biggy isn’t it? So many of us have vastly different view points as far as what is required or acceptable in a relationship. Some people want three times a week, some want three times a day, some want three times a month. Some like to role play and some like to be all consumed. Some like monogamy some like open relationships. All of these things would be discovered toward the beginning if we actually used that communication piece talked about earlier. If you know you aren’t compatible in this area you know it’s going to be an issue later on. Sure sex isn’t everything but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking it means nothing either. It’s important. It’s one of the biggest things couples argue about. People are afraid to have frank discussions about this for fear of pushing away their current squeeze. But seriously if this is that big of a concern, then your relationship has deeper issues. Talk about it, make your desires plane. Is this what most of us do? Nooooooooooooooo. Instead I’ve seen women more often than naught use it as a way to try and control their men. Making them sleep in a different room and withholding until you get what you want. Seriously, how does this make for a healthy relationship? If you have to go to these means to get what you want, again your relationship has deeper issues. Then when women withhold men find somewhere else to get it. Two wrongs don’t make a right people! Again, lack of communication causes a huge amount of issues. If everyone could just be real and say how they feel then maybe a lot of these issues could be avoided because we wouldn’t have to hint or learn to read minds.
Trust:
Oh this is HUGE! After putting each other through all of the unnecessary crap we are then afraid that our significant other is going to leave because they’re sick of it(and well… some of them rightfully so and then some are just too weak to deal). So we get suspicious, we don’t communicate as much or as clearly, we start to suspect ridiculous things and then treat our man or woman as if they are already guilty of something because we are insecure. We’re afraid they’ll find someone better, prettier, richer… whatever. Are we all that shallow that we would leave our lover for the next piece of fine *ss that graces our presence? If you answered no then why would you assume it of your significant other? The bottom line is that most of those suspicious acts and treatments (masked as investigative work to see if he or she is cheating) are what causes them to want to leave in the first place. Spending all your time looking for flaws in your relationship destroys the very relationship you think you’re trying protect. Why spend all your time looking over your shoulder for something bad to happen? Is that the way we want to live our lives? I thought relationships were meant to be enjoyed. Love and trust your S/O and if something happens then deal with it then. “Preparing for the worst” (I absolutely abhor this whole idea, by the way) only makes you miserable before, during and after. Why spend all your time in misery and doubt. Who exactly is that serving? Does it make anyone feel better to be able to point the finger, cast the blame and say, “I was right,” then proceed to be sad about proving your foregone conclusion? If most of us pick trustworthy people in the first place and stop trying to change everyone into the relationship type knowing they are never going to be that then most of this would be a non-issue.
Bottom line (again), some people are just jerks, yes this is true, but the majority of us are just people who want to feel loved and be happy in our relationships. So why can’t we stop complicating things, and then blaming it on the other person when everything goes wrong? It takes two in a relationship and before you get to pointing the finger at someone else maybe we should all start taking a good hard look in the mirror. For those who know me you may be thinking, that’s easy for you to say, you’ve been with the same man for ten years. Well how do you think we’ve managed it? Everything hasn’t always been flowers and roses and there are still some days that test the strong foundation we’ve built. But it’s because we DO have a strong foundation that we work. Just some food for thought.
The Initial Meeting:
Women want men to do all the work in the initial meeting. Women don’t get mad at me for saying it. I’m hearing it (maybe not in those words exactly) from both sides of the fence. Men are tired of doing the work. Traditionally it’s been expected that the men approach the women. However, I have had countless men tell me that they’ve been outright rejected on the “nice” approach. Apparently there are tons of men who’ve crashed and burned like a raging gasoline powered inferno using something similar to, “Hi, I’m (insert name) I’d like to get to know you better.” Women I’m sure you’re ready to beat be over the head with a stick and vehemently disagree but after hearing the same story from so many men I am inclined to see their viewpoint as valid. On the other hand, men, just because it hasn’t worked a few times doesn’t mean it won’t work ever. The women or girl you tried to be nice to could have likely been a juvenile idiot who wouldn’t have known a decent guy if she had possession of a nice-o-meter. You can’t judge every experience based on some bad ones. Still women, so many of us are claiming to be these “new age” women. So if we’re so advanced why can’t we get off our hineys and just tell a man we’re interested and while we’re at it, avoid playing those ridiculous games, such as feigning disinterest, when the guy you like does approach you. Let me provide a little clarity, to him, that is not a hint that you are interested and neither is a short stare from across the room, then quickly averting your eyes. Really, that could mean absolutely anything… or nothing.
Communication:
Now that everyone wants to kick my ass let’s talk about the horrid state of communication most couples dwell in. First off, when we first meet someone we are so busy trying to impress them that we’re being like 10% of our true selves (I’m really being gracious with that number by the way). We hide all our flaws while we’re in that cute lovey dovey honey moon faze and then try and act surprise when someone shows their true colors. What happened to getting to know people and trying to develop some sort of common ground or heaven forbid friendship with someone. No, we all want to rush right in to the relationship and then wonder why things fail. Most don’t have any real talk about their true interests or things that might have any substantial impact on a relationship (i.e. the fact that one of you hates kids and the other one wants to have twenty five). Nope, we have three dates in which we pretend not to have any flaws then hop right in the bed afterward proclaiming how great the “relationship” is. Both men and women are guilty of this so I don’t want to hear who’s responsible for this issue. I’ve counseled too many couples to have seen enough evidence. How about we try for a second to love who we are enough to show at least some of it to someone else and get to know each other as human beings instead of just glorified bed partners. *ducks rotten fruit* Oh you hate me now? I’m no where near done.
Selfishness:
Once people have realized they don’t even know the person they’re with, they get angry… not to mention selfish. So many people want someone else to make them whole instead of taking the time to nurture and love themselves. Too many women want to be their man’s “everything”. If their man so much as tilts his head in the direction of another women is girlfriend is calling him all kinds of cheaters and liars. I have actually heard woman say that if their man looks at someone else he must not love her, be attracted to her, respect her… whatever. Perhaps the guy just noticed another woman, hell the man is only human and there are so many of us floating around, if he never looked at another woman again he’d damn near have to be blind to accomplish it. Now if he tried to sneak off after her then that’s a different story entirely. But men I will say, try not to make it a point to drool over some other chick for in incessant period of time, while with your lady, because then you would deserve a beat down. There’s a big difference between an admiring glance and a leer.
And here’s another one I don’t get. Sooooooooooooooooo many men seem to want women to be completely logical all the time and ignore their emotions. Um… for real. Earth to men, you already know that the overwhelming majority of women are emotional right? And that if you want to have a successful relationship with a woman you will have to learn to deal with this. Women enjoy their emotions and like to express them, and frankly what’s so wrong with this? Should we all be stiff robot type people who only go about life having discussions and experiences based only upon cold hard facts and intellect? How hard would it be to just for once take an interest in what your woman is expressing rather than judge her for expressing? Perhaps she won’t stop about it because she is feeling ignored and just a little bit of real quality time together could do wonders as far as bridging the gap between what everyone wants. However, women, there is a different between clear communication regarding emotions and unrealistic expectations. Don’t expect your man to be a mind reader. Throwing around veiled hints and hoping that he becomes psychic enough to catch your thoughts is ridiculous. Don’t expect him to catch the hint, be a grown up and spell out what you desire from him and guess what, if you’re in a loving relationship he’ll probably do it! Wanting to change your significant other into someone else to suit your needs is unrealistic and if you don’t like who they really are perhaps we should refer back to the communication piece and try to get to know people before rushing into relationships with them.
Relations (yeah I’m being a lil silly, but a girl’s gotta have some fun sometime):
Oh this is a biggy isn’t it? So many of us have vastly different view points as far as what is required or acceptable in a relationship. Some people want three times a week, some want three times a day, some want three times a month. Some like to role play and some like to be all consumed. Some like monogamy some like open relationships. All of these things would be discovered toward the beginning if we actually used that communication piece talked about earlier. If you know you aren’t compatible in this area you know it’s going to be an issue later on. Sure sex isn’t everything but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking it means nothing either. It’s important. It’s one of the biggest things couples argue about. People are afraid to have frank discussions about this for fear of pushing away their current squeeze. But seriously if this is that big of a concern, then your relationship has deeper issues. Talk about it, make your desires plane. Is this what most of us do? Nooooooooooooooo. Instead I’ve seen women more often than naught use it as a way to try and control their men. Making them sleep in a different room and withholding until you get what you want. Seriously, how does this make for a healthy relationship? If you have to go to these means to get what you want, again your relationship has deeper issues. Then when women withhold men find somewhere else to get it. Two wrongs don’t make a right people! Again, lack of communication causes a huge amount of issues. If everyone could just be real and say how they feel then maybe a lot of these issues could be avoided because we wouldn’t have to hint or learn to read minds.
Trust:
Oh this is HUGE! After putting each other through all of the unnecessary crap we are then afraid that our significant other is going to leave because they’re sick of it(and well… some of them rightfully so and then some are just too weak to deal). So we get suspicious, we don’t communicate as much or as clearly, we start to suspect ridiculous things and then treat our man or woman as if they are already guilty of something because we are insecure. We’re afraid they’ll find someone better, prettier, richer… whatever. Are we all that shallow that we would leave our lover for the next piece of fine *ss that graces our presence? If you answered no then why would you assume it of your significant other? The bottom line is that most of those suspicious acts and treatments (masked as investigative work to see if he or she is cheating) are what causes them to want to leave in the first place. Spending all your time looking for flaws in your relationship destroys the very relationship you think you’re trying protect. Why spend all your time looking over your shoulder for something bad to happen? Is that the way we want to live our lives? I thought relationships were meant to be enjoyed. Love and trust your S/O and if something happens then deal with it then. “Preparing for the worst” (I absolutely abhor this whole idea, by the way) only makes you miserable before, during and after. Why spend all your time in misery and doubt. Who exactly is that serving? Does it make anyone feel better to be able to point the finger, cast the blame and say, “I was right,” then proceed to be sad about proving your foregone conclusion? If most of us pick trustworthy people in the first place and stop trying to change everyone into the relationship type knowing they are never going to be that then most of this would be a non-issue.
Bottom line (again), some people are just jerks, yes this is true, but the majority of us are just people who want to feel loved and be happy in our relationships. So why can’t we stop complicating things, and then blaming it on the other person when everything goes wrong? It takes two in a relationship and before you get to pointing the finger at someone else maybe we should all start taking a good hard look in the mirror. For those who know me you may be thinking, that’s easy for you to say, you’ve been with the same man for ten years. Well how do you think we’ve managed it? Everything hasn’t always been flowers and roses and there are still some days that test the strong foundation we’ve built. But it’s because we DO have a strong foundation that we work. Just some food for thought.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
What do you think?
Apparently it’s common knowledge that as people grow older they are supposed to mature. In theory the idea sounds great, but is that always the case? We’re supposed to learn lessons from our experiences that lead to richer more fulfilling lives, right? Perhaps this isn’t happening as much as we’d like to think it is.
The first thing that comes to mind, for me, is the in crowd. In high school there were popular kids, bookish kids, mean kids, jocks (I could go on and on listing different ways kids classified each other) and there were also the kids that just didn’t seem to fit into any particular category and paved their own way while sharing in one of the groups above. There was one thing that most students wanted (even if they tried to act like they didn’t care) and that was popularity. To be part of the in crowd was huge. But then on the other hand there was a feeling of exclusion amongst those that didn’t quite make the cut. I will say that some of the popular kids where nice and seemed to care about their fellow peers. On the other hand some were just plain mean, but they got away with it because they were popular. They said and did whatever they wanted and for some reason it was acceptable. On the other hand if someone who hadn’t reached that elevated status did something considered “out of line” the other kids made them regret it.
Fast forward to today and I see a lot of this same behavior among the adults I run into from time to time. I’ve seen people at work (and other professional settings), in restaurants and social situations who think that it’s okay to treat others badly because they are “better” than them. For some reason I was under the impression that the age of “let’s be cruel to other people because we can” should have been over once we reached adulthood. Maybe my expectations are too high but I’d really hoped that our life experiences would help us to understand the lessons most of our teachers and parents tried to drill into us as children. Treating others the way we want to be treated and learning to make decisions because they are right for us should be norms but too many times it feels like they aren’t.
What happened to common courtesy? Am I an old fashioned hopeful or am I just missing something?
Now let me just say that I certainly don’t believe all people (or even most) are thoughtless or uncaring. I really just want to know why unkind behavior seems to be more acceptable (or over looked like with celebrities) if the person is well liked and unacceptable if the person isn’t. Shouldn’t we all be held to the same standards? Talk to me.
The first thing that comes to mind, for me, is the in crowd. In high school there were popular kids, bookish kids, mean kids, jocks (I could go on and on listing different ways kids classified each other) and there were also the kids that just didn’t seem to fit into any particular category and paved their own way while sharing in one of the groups above. There was one thing that most students wanted (even if they tried to act like they didn’t care) and that was popularity. To be part of the in crowd was huge. But then on the other hand there was a feeling of exclusion amongst those that didn’t quite make the cut. I will say that some of the popular kids where nice and seemed to care about their fellow peers. On the other hand some were just plain mean, but they got away with it because they were popular. They said and did whatever they wanted and for some reason it was acceptable. On the other hand if someone who hadn’t reached that elevated status did something considered “out of line” the other kids made them regret it.
Fast forward to today and I see a lot of this same behavior among the adults I run into from time to time. I’ve seen people at work (and other professional settings), in restaurants and social situations who think that it’s okay to treat others badly because they are “better” than them. For some reason I was under the impression that the age of “let’s be cruel to other people because we can” should have been over once we reached adulthood. Maybe my expectations are too high but I’d really hoped that our life experiences would help us to understand the lessons most of our teachers and parents tried to drill into us as children. Treating others the way we want to be treated and learning to make decisions because they are right for us should be norms but too many times it feels like they aren’t.
What happened to common courtesy? Am I an old fashioned hopeful or am I just missing something?
Now let me just say that I certainly don’t believe all people (or even most) are thoughtless or uncaring. I really just want to know why unkind behavior seems to be more acceptable (or over looked like with celebrities) if the person is well liked and unacceptable if the person isn’t. Shouldn’t we all be held to the same standards? Talk to me.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Controversial Topic (Watch Out)!
Lately I’ve seen quite a bit of discussion regarding people’s taste/disgust/opinion regarding the sizes and shapes of models/women. I personally have been hearing or seeing a lot of comments that basically say “smaller” is bad and “bigger” is good. This train of thought is a bit disturbing and here’s why. To uplift one group of people by degrading another is just plain mean. Comments stating that women/models that are a certain weight or not over a certain weight are “skinny” or “anorexic” while women/models that are over a certain weight are what “real” women look like is rather insulting.
Women come in all shapes and sizes and shouldn’t be considered “less than” because they don’t meet a certain criteria. Often it is stated that a slimmer woman who doesn’t have curves is unattractive or looks unhealthy. I used to be one of those girls and I can tell you that size discrimination goes both ways. The fact that I wasn’t considered a real woman because I didn’t have many curves and wore a size four still irritates me. For the record I couldn’t help my weight. I ate more than my grown father (and husband) and had a healthy active life. I can’t tell you how insulting it was when people insinuated that I was starving and insisting that I couldn’t have been eating enough. As a matter of fact I know some tall sized one women who can’t help their weight either and they can throw down more food than a football team and no they do not have eating disorders. But because I didn’t have a pudge here or a roll there people insisted that something had to be wrong with me. In fact maybe there was something wrong with me. All those people insisting that I needed curves and more weight to be attractive gave me a freakin’ complex. So I over-ate to try and gain weight so I could be beautiful. It’s not to say that I don’t think curves are beautiful, they are. But, it was hurtful that people looked down on me because I didn’t have curves. You know some women just won’t have them no matter what they do and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
After I had my first son I finally got some curves and little “roundness.” It has taken me a while to get used to my new sized ten shape but I like it. Now that I am a little bigger I don’t look at “smaller” women and assume that they are anorexic or unattractive because of their lack of curves or body weight. Just as I don’t look at “larger” women and assume they overeat or are lazy. We are all built differently and I see a huge variety of women every time I go outside and a lot of them can’t help the way they look. Sure there are things a lot of us could do insure that we are as healthy as we can be but some people are just stuck with the body shapes they have. It’s really unfair to make certain assumptions based on just how people look because we really don’t know their story.
Often it is said that the media pushes weight loss and being super skinny into our faces. That may be true. But is it the women’s fault or should the blame be placed more on the industry that tries to force people into a certain mold. I really don’t think it’s fair to insult these women because we don’t know their story. People say that these women set impossible standards for women and girls to live up to. My question is why are we trying to look like them? If we don’t like the way they look then why try and emulate it? I wonder if we were truly happy with ourselves would any of this really matter?
What is my point, you say?
Why can’t we all just get along? There is so much beauty in each and every different type of woman in the world and it should be embraced and cherished. To degrade one group of women (or even people) in order to uplift another is filled with negativity and is on the opposite end of the road to acceptance. Discrimination is discrimination no matter what end of the spectrum it comes from.
Just a little something to think about.
Women come in all shapes and sizes and shouldn’t be considered “less than” because they don’t meet a certain criteria. Often it is stated that a slimmer woman who doesn’t have curves is unattractive or looks unhealthy. I used to be one of those girls and I can tell you that size discrimination goes both ways. The fact that I wasn’t considered a real woman because I didn’t have many curves and wore a size four still irritates me. For the record I couldn’t help my weight. I ate more than my grown father (and husband) and had a healthy active life. I can’t tell you how insulting it was when people insinuated that I was starving and insisting that I couldn’t have been eating enough. As a matter of fact I know some tall sized one women who can’t help their weight either and they can throw down more food than a football team and no they do not have eating disorders. But because I didn’t have a pudge here or a roll there people insisted that something had to be wrong with me. In fact maybe there was something wrong with me. All those people insisting that I needed curves and more weight to be attractive gave me a freakin’ complex. So I over-ate to try and gain weight so I could be beautiful. It’s not to say that I don’t think curves are beautiful, they are. But, it was hurtful that people looked down on me because I didn’t have curves. You know some women just won’t have them no matter what they do and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
After I had my first son I finally got some curves and little “roundness.” It has taken me a while to get used to my new sized ten shape but I like it. Now that I am a little bigger I don’t look at “smaller” women and assume that they are anorexic or unattractive because of their lack of curves or body weight. Just as I don’t look at “larger” women and assume they overeat or are lazy. We are all built differently and I see a huge variety of women every time I go outside and a lot of them can’t help the way they look. Sure there are things a lot of us could do insure that we are as healthy as we can be but some people are just stuck with the body shapes they have. It’s really unfair to make certain assumptions based on just how people look because we really don’t know their story.
Often it is said that the media pushes weight loss and being super skinny into our faces. That may be true. But is it the women’s fault or should the blame be placed more on the industry that tries to force people into a certain mold. I really don’t think it’s fair to insult these women because we don’t know their story. People say that these women set impossible standards for women and girls to live up to. My question is why are we trying to look like them? If we don’t like the way they look then why try and emulate it? I wonder if we were truly happy with ourselves would any of this really matter?
What is my point, you say?
Why can’t we all just get along? There is so much beauty in each and every different type of woman in the world and it should be embraced and cherished. To degrade one group of women (or even people) in order to uplift another is filled with negativity and is on the opposite end of the road to acceptance. Discrimination is discrimination no matter what end of the spectrum it comes from.
Just a little something to think about.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Question of the Day (Week, Year even)
When was the last time you gave yourself an actual compliment and meant it? I mean really said (thought) something nice about yourself? Why do I want to know, you ask? You mean aside from the fact that I’m really nosy?
A few weeks ago The Man and I were at a forum. Sadly I can’t remember the main topic (kids kill your brain cells) but I remember we ended on a very crucial subject. A friend of mine, who happened to be at the forum, mentioned that she didn’t feel beautiful if her husband looked at any other woman other than her. She had to be the only woman he noticed or in her eyes he was putting her down and silently saying that she wasn’t good enough. Now I know them both personally and I know for a fact that he does not think this (he does not hide his thoughts) nor would he ever mention, murmur or mumble anything so ludicrous. So where was she coming up with these conclusions, if not from her husband? My answer, her own mind.
She has some self esteem problems (I know because I can sense them but also because she told me). She has an issue with self love and until she can come to grips with this fact and try to overcome it she will continue to have these issues no matter who she is with. Who he does or doesn’t look at is not the real issue it’s about how she sees herself. The most disturbing thing about this conversation was that she was not the only female with this point of view.
My question is, why are people (because this isn’t just woman thing though I do see it most often in women) putting their self worth in someone else’s hands. If we truly loved ourselves then we wouldn’t need verification from someone else of our greatness, smartness or beauty... would we? If we really knew it in our hearts then no one could tear us down.
The reason I am able to recognize these things in my friend is because I was once the same way until I understood what I was doing to myself. I believe that everyone wants to be loved and desired by their significant other and there is nothing wrong with that. What concerns me is how we are so willing to look to someone else for verification of these things instead of to the person who matters most. I think that self love can be a hard journey to follow but I also think it is one of the greatest. If you haven’t already started the journey then let’s do so now. Think about yourself, the real you, the one that no one else knows but you. Give yourself a real "feel good" compliment and bask in the glory that is so wonderfully you. I’m going right now!
A few weeks ago The Man and I were at a forum. Sadly I can’t remember the main topic (kids kill your brain cells) but I remember we ended on a very crucial subject. A friend of mine, who happened to be at the forum, mentioned that she didn’t feel beautiful if her husband looked at any other woman other than her. She had to be the only woman he noticed or in her eyes he was putting her down and silently saying that she wasn’t good enough. Now I know them both personally and I know for a fact that he does not think this (he does not hide his thoughts) nor would he ever mention, murmur or mumble anything so ludicrous. So where was she coming up with these conclusions, if not from her husband? My answer, her own mind.
She has some self esteem problems (I know because I can sense them but also because she told me). She has an issue with self love and until she can come to grips with this fact and try to overcome it she will continue to have these issues no matter who she is with. Who he does or doesn’t look at is not the real issue it’s about how she sees herself. The most disturbing thing about this conversation was that she was not the only female with this point of view.
My question is, why are people (because this isn’t just woman thing though I do see it most often in women) putting their self worth in someone else’s hands. If we truly loved ourselves then we wouldn’t need verification from someone else of our greatness, smartness or beauty... would we? If we really knew it in our hearts then no one could tear us down.
The reason I am able to recognize these things in my friend is because I was once the same way until I understood what I was doing to myself. I believe that everyone wants to be loved and desired by their significant other and there is nothing wrong with that. What concerns me is how we are so willing to look to someone else for verification of these things instead of to the person who matters most. I think that self love can be a hard journey to follow but I also think it is one of the greatest. If you haven’t already started the journey then let’s do so now. Think about yourself, the real you, the one that no one else knows but you. Give yourself a real "feel good" compliment and bask in the glory that is so wonderfully you. I’m going right now!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
True to My Muse
I am an adult writer that writes for other adults. First I write to please myself then I write to please my readers. I feel that if I don’t like what I’m writing how can I expect for anyone else too? I (as well as some of my other writer friends) have gotten comments that suggest otherwise.
Presently, I am enjoying where I’m at as far my writing career. I love my characters and the scenarios I throw them in. I love the way they interact… and they are never “perfect” (as if anyone ever is). My characters, curse, can be rude, make love, have sex, even fuck (well this is an adult blog). My characters make loads of mistakes and then they work to try and fix them and or learn from them. They are based on real people not a fantasy.
Regardless, I have gotten (heard) comments that sound to me like I should change my writing to make other people more comfortable with reading my work. For instance it’s “wrong” to curse so my characters shouldn’t do it. Or “people in love don’t fuck” so my characters shouldn’t. Pfft! (I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous). More comments then these have been flung my way but these two irk me the most. Don’t get me wrong two much if either of the above would probably distract me from the story and make me think twice about finishing the book. I do like for my characters to have tender sweet moments but not for the entire book. I need some edge, some variety. Should I really change my stories, my characters, my voice to fit into a mold that doesn’t…fit? For me writing is about the love of the story. It’s about developing the characters and emotions that fit them. It’s about allowing myself the freedom to express what the muse has given me in the way that best fits the story.
So what do you think; change to fit the mold or make the mold fit you?
Presently, I am enjoying where I’m at as far my writing career. I love my characters and the scenarios I throw them in. I love the way they interact… and they are never “perfect” (as if anyone ever is). My characters, curse, can be rude, make love, have sex, even fuck (well this is an adult blog). My characters make loads of mistakes and then they work to try and fix them and or learn from them. They are based on real people not a fantasy.
Regardless, I have gotten (heard) comments that sound to me like I should change my writing to make other people more comfortable with reading my work. For instance it’s “wrong” to curse so my characters shouldn’t do it. Or “people in love don’t fuck” so my characters shouldn’t. Pfft! (I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous). More comments then these have been flung my way but these two irk me the most. Don’t get me wrong two much if either of the above would probably distract me from the story and make me think twice about finishing the book. I do like for my characters to have tender sweet moments but not for the entire book. I need some edge, some variety. Should I really change my stories, my characters, my voice to fit into a mold that doesn’t…fit? For me writing is about the love of the story. It’s about developing the characters and emotions that fit them. It’s about allowing myself the freedom to express what the muse has given me in the way that best fits the story.
So what do you think; change to fit the mold or make the mold fit you?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Miscellaneous Musings
I don’t have a lot of friends however most of the friends I do have are couples. Unfortunately our couple friends seem to argue a lot. I’m not saying The Man and I don’t have any issues but they are few and far between. We talk and actually listen to what the other is saying. Apparently this practice isn’t very common.
We’ve both noticed that our friends talk to each other but they don’t really comprehend what the other is saying. Often we’ve noticed that they hear what the other is saying but then turn it into what they THINK their significant other (SO) has said. “Honey, your ass looks great in those jeans,” turns into, “Honey, you have a fat ass and need to get to the gym now.” Okay, this may be an exaggeration (not really) but you get where I’m going.
There isn’t always some hidden code in our SO’s words. Sometimes they are saying exactly what they mean and we blow it out of proportion. I know I’ve done it a handful of times in the eight years he and I have been together and so has he. We move past it by talking and understanding the other instead of drawing our own (a lot of the times incorrect) conclusions.
I’ve also noticed that some of our friends seem to base their happiness entirely on the actions or feelings of their SO. They want their SO to change the way they act, think and view the world to fit their needs. This, I do not understand. I believe that my happiness is in my hands. I think if we base our happiness on someone else then we are always setting ourselves up for failure.
Yes, I want my husband to be happy, but should I have to totally change who I am to make him happy? I certainly don’t expect him to change for me. I married him because I loved him for who is was (and still is). I now don’t want him to be someone else. I am in charge of my happiness and he is in charge of his. Let me just clarify that I like to do things I know will put a smile on his face. I do. BUT, I don’t feel that we should become slaves to each other’s emotions or wants. I have enough trouble dealing with my own.
What’s your take on it?
We’ve both noticed that our friends talk to each other but they don’t really comprehend what the other is saying. Often we’ve noticed that they hear what the other is saying but then turn it into what they THINK their significant other (SO) has said. “Honey, your ass looks great in those jeans,” turns into, “Honey, you have a fat ass and need to get to the gym now.” Okay, this may be an exaggeration (not really) but you get where I’m going.
There isn’t always some hidden code in our SO’s words. Sometimes they are saying exactly what they mean and we blow it out of proportion. I know I’ve done it a handful of times in the eight years he and I have been together and so has he. We move past it by talking and understanding the other instead of drawing our own (a lot of the times incorrect) conclusions.
I’ve also noticed that some of our friends seem to base their happiness entirely on the actions or feelings of their SO. They want their SO to change the way they act, think and view the world to fit their needs. This, I do not understand. I believe that my happiness is in my hands. I think if we base our happiness on someone else then we are always setting ourselves up for failure.
Yes, I want my husband to be happy, but should I have to totally change who I am to make him happy? I certainly don’t expect him to change for me. I married him because I loved him for who is was (and still is). I now don’t want him to be someone else. I am in charge of my happiness and he is in charge of his. Let me just clarify that I like to do things I know will put a smile on his face. I do. BUT, I don’t feel that we should become slaves to each other’s emotions or wants. I have enough trouble dealing with my own.
What’s your take on it?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
The Future
So I'm writing a story in which the hero can take people to see specific bits of their future. And this got me thinking. If I had the chance would I want to see certain parts of my future? You know like how many kids will I have or will I ever be rich and or famous? Come on like you don't wonder about some of the same things lol!
Anyway as I pondered this question I realized that perhaps seeing my future may not be all it sounds like it’s cracked up to be. I've had a lot of interesting experiences in life and I don't think they would have packed quite the same punch if I would've seen them coming. I mean these were some really awesome life lessons (not that I felt that way at the time). I think they wouldn't have been as effective if I would have experienced them in some other way. Also I think it would take away from the mystery of life. The wonder of not knowing that gives us that push to live to the fullest because, hey, you never know what's coming up next. I personally feel that without the mystery, life would be a little duller for me.
So tell me about you. If you had the chance would you take a glance at your future?
Anyway as I pondered this question I realized that perhaps seeing my future may not be all it sounds like it’s cracked up to be. I've had a lot of interesting experiences in life and I don't think they would have packed quite the same punch if I would've seen them coming. I mean these were some really awesome life lessons (not that I felt that way at the time). I think they wouldn't have been as effective if I would have experienced them in some other way. Also I think it would take away from the mystery of life. The wonder of not knowing that gives us that push to live to the fullest because, hey, you never know what's coming up next. I personally feel that without the mystery, life would be a little duller for me.
So tell me about you. If you had the chance would you take a glance at your future?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Pessimism or Realism
My whole life I’ve heard people speak of this “preparing for the worst”. The way I understand it is that when there is the possibility of you either getting what you want or not getting what you want, your best bet is to prepare for not getting what you want. I believe the reasoning behind this is that if/when you find out that you actually aren’t getting what you want you won’t be as disappointed. If you actually get what you want then it makes it even sweeter.
Ok so I want to examine this on a personal level (because that’s what I do). Back when I sent in my first submission for publication I applied this practice. I knew the odds were against me and that most people don’t sell on their first sub. So I figured I wouldn’t be offered a contract and that it would be ok I could just sub elsewhere. Well, when the time came and I actually got that big R I can tell you that no amount of planning for the worst could have prepared me for the feeling it gave me. I felt like some one ripped out my little heart, stamped on it with cleats, coated it with a nice crispy batter and then fried it in hot oil. Yeah, not a good feeling. Even worse was that I had spent all this time telling myself how I probably wasn’t going to make it anyway. As an advocate for positive thinking this sat very wrong with me.
So my next sub I didn’t do any of this. I sent it in, didn’t get over anxious, but I did not prepare for the worse. I sent it knowing it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I got an R but that what I truly wanted was a contract. I let the wonderful idea of being a published author slide through my thoughts and I relished in it… then I let it go and went to a football game. *g*
Well, wouldn’t you know it? I got offered the contract! Now I’m not saying that I the only reason I didn’t get the contract in scenario one was because I thought negatively or visa versa for scenario two. What I am saying is that never in my life (that I can remember) has preparing myself for the worst ever benefited me in anyway. I make back up plans, or fall backs, if the situation calls for them but I do not dwell on them. I still think about and focus upon what it is that I truly want the majority of the time. I feel that life is meant to feel good and it doesn’t feel good (to me) to dwell on the negative things that can happen when the positive feels so much better. If bad things happen I still feel bad and when good things happen I still feel good. So why not concentrate on things that make us feel good and stop trying to worry about the things that are mostly out of out control anyway?
So where do you stand on preparing for the worst? Pessimism or realism?
Talk to me.
Ok so I want to examine this on a personal level (because that’s what I do). Back when I sent in my first submission for publication I applied this practice. I knew the odds were against me and that most people don’t sell on their first sub. So I figured I wouldn’t be offered a contract and that it would be ok I could just sub elsewhere. Well, when the time came and I actually got that big R I can tell you that no amount of planning for the worst could have prepared me for the feeling it gave me. I felt like some one ripped out my little heart, stamped on it with cleats, coated it with a nice crispy batter and then fried it in hot oil. Yeah, not a good feeling. Even worse was that I had spent all this time telling myself how I probably wasn’t going to make it anyway. As an advocate for positive thinking this sat very wrong with me.
So my next sub I didn’t do any of this. I sent it in, didn’t get over anxious, but I did not prepare for the worse. I sent it knowing it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I got an R but that what I truly wanted was a contract. I let the wonderful idea of being a published author slide through my thoughts and I relished in it… then I let it go and went to a football game. *g*
Well, wouldn’t you know it? I got offered the contract! Now I’m not saying that I the only reason I didn’t get the contract in scenario one was because I thought negatively or visa versa for scenario two. What I am saying is that never in my life (that I can remember) has preparing myself for the worst ever benefited me in anyway. I make back up plans, or fall backs, if the situation calls for them but I do not dwell on them. I still think about and focus upon what it is that I truly want the majority of the time. I feel that life is meant to feel good and it doesn’t feel good (to me) to dwell on the negative things that can happen when the positive feels so much better. If bad things happen I still feel bad and when good things happen I still feel good. So why not concentrate on things that make us feel good and stop trying to worry about the things that are mostly out of out control anyway?
So where do you stand on preparing for the worst? Pessimism or realism?
Talk to me.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Marriage
I’ve known a lot of people (men and women actually) who agonize over this one little word. A lot of people seem to be in a rush to “make” it happen or else something must be wrong with them. Like being single is some type of personality disorder they must over come.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am certainly not against marriage after all I am married, but why is so much emphasis put on it? I’ve seen people marry a person they don’t care for, that much, just so they can say they are married. I have seen people try and force everyone they date into being the marrying type. I have seen people marry just for the sake of the kids. But what happened to just marrying for love? Marrying not because you can’t live without that person (because honestly you can) but because you just don’t want to.
You want to hear my story? Of course you do. ;)
I met my husband in chemistry lab my first semester of college. Yes we were lab partners. Neither of us was looking for a relationship. We ended up finding friendship in each other (when I wasn’t busy pissing him off lol). Over the course of the entire school year we talked and got to know each other on a real level because we weren’t busy trying to impress each other. Finally at the end of the year my BFF said, “What the hell are you waiting for? Just hook up already!” What can I say? The girl is smart. We got together that day and shared our first kiss. OMG it was awesome!!!!
Anyway our relationship was not all roses and sunshine and we even had a rough spot were we thought we weren’t meant to be. Somehow through it all we just couldn’t (or didn’t want to) let go.
Eventually (after three years) we decided we wanted to move to the next level. We were still in school and wanted to progress slowly… so we moved in together. People often asked, “If you’re living together why don’t you just get married?” Our response was, “What’s the rush?” We liked the pace our relationship was going and who were these people to tell us the “right” way to live?
Well, about four years later we had our first child. OMG I think the sky might have fallen. People were on The Man’s case about not marrying me. I wanted to say WTF? Ok in some cases I did. It wasn’t just his decision not to marry. WE didn’t want to get married just because we were having a child. I had heard too many stories where people got together for the sake of the children and regretted it so much that even the children were miserable because of it. That was NOT going to be me. The only reason for us to get married was because we loved each other. End of story.
After The Boy turned a year old we decided we were ready. Our relationship was the strongest it had ever been and we felt in our hearts that we were ready. A year after that we got married. We did it our way and it was one of the happiest days of our lives (though looking at the pictures I often wish I was more photogenic).
If I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing. We really got to know each other. My mom says we test drove the relationship before we decided whether it was right for us. A lot of people looked down on us because it wasn't the “right” way to do things… according to who I don’t know.
So now I'm curious. After having my own experience I realize that everyone is different. Some people find the right one and immediately want to get married. I don’t think anything is wrong with that. On the other hand some people decide to take things slow and feel things out. I don’t see anything wrong with that either. What I have an issue with is people who think a relationship is less than because you don’t have that piece of paper that says you belong to each other legally.
I can tell you without a doubt (and The Man will too) that our relationship has not changed since we exchanged those rings. Somehow, though, people want to act like our relationship is more legit since we are married but I don’t see why. Before we were married we were giving advice to other people who were married because we had already learned so much from each other and about each other. We were closer and more in tuned then most of the married couples we knew but since we didn’t have that piece of lovely paper then our relationship wasn’t as meaningful. I want to know why? Why is this the view the majority of people seem to share? What am I missing here? I’d love to know what you think.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am certainly not against marriage after all I am married, but why is so much emphasis put on it? I’ve seen people marry a person they don’t care for, that much, just so they can say they are married. I have seen people try and force everyone they date into being the marrying type. I have seen people marry just for the sake of the kids. But what happened to just marrying for love? Marrying not because you can’t live without that person (because honestly you can) but because you just don’t want to.
You want to hear my story? Of course you do. ;)
I met my husband in chemistry lab my first semester of college. Yes we were lab partners. Neither of us was looking for a relationship. We ended up finding friendship in each other (when I wasn’t busy pissing him off lol). Over the course of the entire school year we talked and got to know each other on a real level because we weren’t busy trying to impress each other. Finally at the end of the year my BFF said, “What the hell are you waiting for? Just hook up already!” What can I say? The girl is smart. We got together that day and shared our first kiss. OMG it was awesome!!!!
Anyway our relationship was not all roses and sunshine and we even had a rough spot were we thought we weren’t meant to be. Somehow through it all we just couldn’t (or didn’t want to) let go.
Eventually (after three years) we decided we wanted to move to the next level. We were still in school and wanted to progress slowly… so we moved in together. People often asked, “If you’re living together why don’t you just get married?” Our response was, “What’s the rush?” We liked the pace our relationship was going and who were these people to tell us the “right” way to live?
Well, about four years later we had our first child. OMG I think the sky might have fallen. People were on The Man’s case about not marrying me. I wanted to say WTF? Ok in some cases I did. It wasn’t just his decision not to marry. WE didn’t want to get married just because we were having a child. I had heard too many stories where people got together for the sake of the children and regretted it so much that even the children were miserable because of it. That was NOT going to be me. The only reason for us to get married was because we loved each other. End of story.
After The Boy turned a year old we decided we were ready. Our relationship was the strongest it had ever been and we felt in our hearts that we were ready. A year after that we got married. We did it our way and it was one of the happiest days of our lives (though looking at the pictures I often wish I was more photogenic).
If I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing. We really got to know each other. My mom says we test drove the relationship before we decided whether it was right for us. A lot of people looked down on us because it wasn't the “right” way to do things… according to who I don’t know.
So now I'm curious. After having my own experience I realize that everyone is different. Some people find the right one and immediately want to get married. I don’t think anything is wrong with that. On the other hand some people decide to take things slow and feel things out. I don’t see anything wrong with that either. What I have an issue with is people who think a relationship is less than because you don’t have that piece of paper that says you belong to each other legally.
I can tell you without a doubt (and The Man will too) that our relationship has not changed since we exchanged those rings. Somehow, though, people want to act like our relationship is more legit since we are married but I don’t see why. Before we were married we were giving advice to other people who were married because we had already learned so much from each other and about each other. We were closer and more in tuned then most of the married couples we knew but since we didn’t have that piece of lovely paper then our relationship wasn’t as meaningful. I want to know why? Why is this the view the majority of people seem to share? What am I missing here? I’d love to know what you think.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Five Senses
I consider myself to be very in tune with my mind and my body and how outside influences affect me. I often try to allow my five senses to lead me through life. If it smells good I want to taste it (for me smell and taste usually go together), if it feels good I want to hold it, if it looks beautiful I want to stare at it, if it sounds good I want to immerse myself in it.
I’ve noticed over the years that my sense of smell is by far one of my more dominant senses. I can smell things usually before other people can and also I’ve noticed that certain smells will trigged poignant memories or feelings. The smell of rain instantly relaxes me. The smell of freshly cut grass instantly makes me feel that it is summer outside. The smell of cake baking reminds me of my grandmother. The smell of collard greens reminds me of holidays with my family. The things that are triggered by my sense of smell are not just mild reminiscent either. When these smells engulf my senses I feel like I have been shot back to a place in the past instantly. Like I am right there by my grandmother’s side while we sit in the kitchen waiting for the cake to bake.
Somewhere along these lines was when I realized how important these five little things are to a story. The things the characters taste, smell, hear, touch and see make the book complete. They make a story come alive apposed to seeming flat and lifeless. They draw the reader into the story and make them feel as if they are there, or could be there. They can make a story truly unforgettable.
Tell me what you think. Do you agree or have I been getting a whiff of a little too much cake. :P
I’ve noticed over the years that my sense of smell is by far one of my more dominant senses. I can smell things usually before other people can and also I’ve noticed that certain smells will trigged poignant memories or feelings. The smell of rain instantly relaxes me. The smell of freshly cut grass instantly makes me feel that it is summer outside. The smell of cake baking reminds me of my grandmother. The smell of collard greens reminds me of holidays with my family. The things that are triggered by my sense of smell are not just mild reminiscent either. When these smells engulf my senses I feel like I have been shot back to a place in the past instantly. Like I am right there by my grandmother’s side while we sit in the kitchen waiting for the cake to bake.
Somewhere along these lines was when I realized how important these five little things are to a story. The things the characters taste, smell, hear, touch and see make the book complete. They make a story come alive apposed to seeming flat and lifeless. They draw the reader into the story and make them feel as if they are there, or could be there. They can make a story truly unforgettable.
Tell me what you think. Do you agree or have I been getting a whiff of a little too much cake. :P
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Insulting Vs. Opinionated
I’ve been stewing on this one for a while now. I come from a long line of VERY opinionated people. We have loud discussions at family gatherings and even a few arguments. Most of us feel very strongly about our opinions, which I think is great. I think if you’re going to stand for something then you should be willing to support it. I take part in a lot of discussions and my favorite topics are often controversial. Usually the discussions remain respectful however there have been occasions when our very diverse, opinionated conversations have turned into insulting arguments. Usually (but not always) the arguments begin because of misunderstandings or hurt feelings because of the way someone has presented their case.
I am never one to say that people should not be allowed their point of view but when does it go from being opinionated to insulting? Personally (I know you didn’t ask but I’m giving it to you anyway lol) I think it’s in the delivery. I believe there is a way to say certain things and way not to say them, especially when it comes to controversial topics. I know that I have some views that are going to ruffle a few feathers but I always try to be careful about how I approach them with people.
For example I try to be mindful of who I am speaking with. If I am speaking with someone I know is sensitive I am going to take a different approach than with someone I know isn’t easily offended. Also I try to be careful how I word things, especially if it’s an online conversation. When someone only has my words to go off of and can’t see body language or eye contact they may not know that I’m being sarcastic or funny. In a nut shell I feel that it’s the way our different views are expressed that can lump us into either the Insulting or Opinionated category. Or maybe some of us can dabble in a little of both. I know that when we get passionate about something it can be hard to stop and consider whether or not what we are about to say or how we are about to say it could be offensive to someone else.
I’m curious about your thoughts. Please share!
I am never one to say that people should not be allowed their point of view but when does it go from being opinionated to insulting? Personally (I know you didn’t ask but I’m giving it to you anyway lol) I think it’s in the delivery. I believe there is a way to say certain things and way not to say them, especially when it comes to controversial topics. I know that I have some views that are going to ruffle a few feathers but I always try to be careful about how I approach them with people.
For example I try to be mindful of who I am speaking with. If I am speaking with someone I know is sensitive I am going to take a different approach than with someone I know isn’t easily offended. Also I try to be careful how I word things, especially if it’s an online conversation. When someone only has my words to go off of and can’t see body language or eye contact they may not know that I’m being sarcastic or funny. In a nut shell I feel that it’s the way our different views are expressed that can lump us into either the Insulting or Opinionated category. Or maybe some of us can dabble in a little of both. I know that when we get passionate about something it can be hard to stop and consider whether or not what we are about to say or how we are about to say it could be offensive to someone else.
I’m curious about your thoughts. Please share!
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Realistic Hero
Let’s talk about heroes today. Yesterday when I was speaking to The Man about the differences between men and women (we actually have this conversation often and even crazier is that we usually agree) he confided in me that a lot of men can’t get into romance because the heroes are not believable. “Really,” I replied with shock and awe.
What it seems to boil down to is, SOME (obviously not all) romances portray men as women see them or want to see them and not as they actually are. He gave me some examples, two of which I thought were the most interesting. The Persistent Chase and The Suave/Debonair.
The Persistent Chase: In this scenario the man is ridiculously persistent for a woman he is so obsessed over (but barely knows) that he takes shut down, after shut down, after shut down until he finally wears her down and she gives him a chance and they eventually fall in love and make us go, “Awwwwwww” at the end of the book, movie or whatever it is.
The Man says most guys are not going to do this. They get shot down too much and in too many ugly ways (some of the time) to keep chasing after a woman who isn’t giving them the time of day. Apparently there is only so much rejection and certain types of rejection a man is willing to take before he just says, “Screw it.” So I found it rather funny that while I am awing over a movie a nice “Oh please” sign is scrolling across The Man’s brain.
The Suave/Debonair: The Man says that most men are not suave or smooth my nature… sometimes ever. They are forever saying the wrong thing. And half the time they don’t realize they’ve said the wrong thing until after they’ve said it. Apparently the right thing for one woman can be dead wrong for another. He says that most men spend so much time screwing up that when they actually manage to be suave (that one time in their lives when it may happen) they are so excited they inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) celebrate and then immediately run off to tell “The Boys”. According to The Man, the guy we may read about or fantasize about that is a perfect gentleman and says all these wonderfully phrased things to make us melt is a myth.
This leads me to a few other “myths” us women seem to believe about men.
1. Men don’t care about women’s feelings.
2. Men only want sex and emotions don’t matter.
3. Men can’t handle an aggressive or independent woman.
4. Men don’t talk to either men or women about what’s on their minds. They keep it all bottled up inside.
Now before you throw things at me I am not saying that all women say or think these things about men but I listed them because I have heard women repeatedly make these comments over and over. So I decided to ask The Man because maybe I was wrong in believing that maybe ALL men don’t feel, think or act the ways noted above. I’m sure some do but certainly not all and probably not even the majority. I will go as far to say that there are some men who have made these or similar arguments about women, but that’s for another blog post.
Any way The Man says:
1. Not true. Men care very much about women’s feelings they just don’t understand them or the motives behind them. There have been times when he has hurt me (unintentionally) and had no clue. A lot of our friends have said the same thing. They get so confused about what they can and can’t do because something that makes their women laugh at one point can make her go off the deep end the next. “I’m not a mind reader,” he says and to that I would have to agree.
2. Also not true. Though sex matters (*grin*) so do emotions. He feels that he has never purposely led a girl on just to get sex. I can even remember him telling me about one girl who liked him but since he thought they would not be compatible in any way and she would probably get hurt he didn’t do it. The surprise is that this is not the first time I’ve heard this from a man.
3. So not true he laughed out loud. A lot of men actually WANT an independent woman who can take care of herself and contributes in whatever way suits her best to the household or relationship. What they don’t like is a woman who is constantly holding things over their heads and throwing it in their faces that is she is doing better than him or can do without him. His thought is, if your life would be so much better without me then why are you here? He feels there is a difference between aggressive/independent and obnoxious.
4. This one made him chuckle. He says to me, “What do women think men do when they go out together?” He goes to the bowling alley (where they play pool) every two weeks to chill with his friends and talk (sometimes vent) about their lives. Not to mention that all of my guy friends talk to me all the time about things from girl trouble to what they want out of life. Oh yes, it’s true.
So I said all of that to say this. Are the heroes we see in romances realistic? I hear women say all the time they want to read about a realistic man or hero… but is that really the case? Let me know what you think?
Check out my alter ego’s blog to discuss the realistic heroine.
What it seems to boil down to is, SOME (obviously not all) romances portray men as women see them or want to see them and not as they actually are. He gave me some examples, two of which I thought were the most interesting. The Persistent Chase and The Suave/Debonair.
The Persistent Chase: In this scenario the man is ridiculously persistent for a woman he is so obsessed over (but barely knows) that he takes shut down, after shut down, after shut down until he finally wears her down and she gives him a chance and they eventually fall in love and make us go, “Awwwwwww” at the end of the book, movie or whatever it is.
The Man says most guys are not going to do this. They get shot down too much and in too many ugly ways (some of the time) to keep chasing after a woman who isn’t giving them the time of day. Apparently there is only so much rejection and certain types of rejection a man is willing to take before he just says, “Screw it.” So I found it rather funny that while I am awing over a movie a nice “Oh please” sign is scrolling across The Man’s brain.
The Suave/Debonair: The Man says that most men are not suave or smooth my nature… sometimes ever. They are forever saying the wrong thing. And half the time they don’t realize they’ve said the wrong thing until after they’ve said it. Apparently the right thing for one woman can be dead wrong for another. He says that most men spend so much time screwing up that when they actually manage to be suave (that one time in their lives when it may happen) they are so excited they inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) celebrate and then immediately run off to tell “The Boys”. According to The Man, the guy we may read about or fantasize about that is a perfect gentleman and says all these wonderfully phrased things to make us melt is a myth.
This leads me to a few other “myths” us women seem to believe about men.
1. Men don’t care about women’s feelings.
2. Men only want sex and emotions don’t matter.
3. Men can’t handle an aggressive or independent woman.
4. Men don’t talk to either men or women about what’s on their minds. They keep it all bottled up inside.
Now before you throw things at me I am not saying that all women say or think these things about men but I listed them because I have heard women repeatedly make these comments over and over. So I decided to ask The Man because maybe I was wrong in believing that maybe ALL men don’t feel, think or act the ways noted above. I’m sure some do but certainly not all and probably not even the majority. I will go as far to say that there are some men who have made these or similar arguments about women, but that’s for another blog post.
Any way The Man says:
1. Not true. Men care very much about women’s feelings they just don’t understand them or the motives behind them. There have been times when he has hurt me (unintentionally) and had no clue. A lot of our friends have said the same thing. They get so confused about what they can and can’t do because something that makes their women laugh at one point can make her go off the deep end the next. “I’m not a mind reader,” he says and to that I would have to agree.
2. Also not true. Though sex matters (*grin*) so do emotions. He feels that he has never purposely led a girl on just to get sex. I can even remember him telling me about one girl who liked him but since he thought they would not be compatible in any way and she would probably get hurt he didn’t do it. The surprise is that this is not the first time I’ve heard this from a man.
3. So not true he laughed out loud. A lot of men actually WANT an independent woman who can take care of herself and contributes in whatever way suits her best to the household or relationship. What they don’t like is a woman who is constantly holding things over their heads and throwing it in their faces that is she is doing better than him or can do without him. His thought is, if your life would be so much better without me then why are you here? He feels there is a difference between aggressive/independent and obnoxious.
4. This one made him chuckle. He says to me, “What do women think men do when they go out together?” He goes to the bowling alley (where they play pool) every two weeks to chill with his friends and talk (sometimes vent) about their lives. Not to mention that all of my guy friends talk to me all the time about things from girl trouble to what they want out of life. Oh yes, it’s true.
So I said all of that to say this. Are the heroes we see in romances realistic? I hear women say all the time they want to read about a realistic man or hero… but is that really the case? Let me know what you think?
Check out my alter ego’s blog to discuss the realistic heroine.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Thoughts I Couldn't Get Rid of...
Being a woman in present day society is hard work. We are expected to walk, talk, dress and act in a certain manner. We have come a long way as far as what society thinks is acceptable and I think that's wonderful. However, I’ve noticed that women’s harshest critics seem to be… well other women.
I consider myself to be an open-minded, freethinking person. I try my best to accept people the way they are, even if I don’t agree with their lifestyle. After all, who am I to judge how another person lives their life? I don’t walk in their shoes, think their thoughts or feel their emotions so how could I justify “judging” them for any decisions they might make? I use the word judge, because anytime we look at a person from our point of view (with no understanding of how they got to where they are in life) and tear them down or even praise them we are making a judgment call.
I have noticed that one of the most controversial subjects is about sex. Women want to be treated with equality in every way and left alone to make their own decisions in life. If that’s the case then why are we (this is a collective we here) so quick to call another woman a whore, bitch or slut if we don’t like the way she acts. I’ve heard some of the ugliest name calling come from women (which is sad considering I know many more men then I do women).
I may not have chosen to make my money dancing on a pole, but who are we to judge the women who have made that decision. We don’t know what that woman’s circumstances may be. She could have felt that she had nowhere else to turn to feed her starving children or she could just have the confidence to WANT to do it. Regardless of which case it is I don’t feel any of us have the right to look down on someone who as taken this on as their profession. Why do we have to resort to calling them names or treating them badly? On that note I don’t feel any different about women who work in porn or any other “questionable” profession. If that's what they felt like they needed or even wanted to do, what’s wrong with that?
My position is, it’s not my life and I don’t have to live with the consequences of their decisions so why is it necessary to make such a clamor about it? People like to bring up the issues of morals and ethics as a reason to degrade these members of society. In my opinion it’s neither moral nor ethical to be rude or disrespectful to people just because they happen to partake in activities we may not “approve” of. Our approval is not necessary in order for them to live their lives as theirs is not necessary for us to live ours.
As woman we should be uplifting each other not trying to tear each other down because someone here or there doesn’t fit into the neat little guidelines of our moral code. I’m not saying we don’t all have a right to our opinion but when it gets to the point of judging others and becoming rude or hateful, I have to draw the line.
What do you think?
Thanks for stopping by.
I consider myself to be an open-minded, freethinking person. I try my best to accept people the way they are, even if I don’t agree with their lifestyle. After all, who am I to judge how another person lives their life? I don’t walk in their shoes, think their thoughts or feel their emotions so how could I justify “judging” them for any decisions they might make? I use the word judge, because anytime we look at a person from our point of view (with no understanding of how they got to where they are in life) and tear them down or even praise them we are making a judgment call.
I have noticed that one of the most controversial subjects is about sex. Women want to be treated with equality in every way and left alone to make their own decisions in life. If that’s the case then why are we (this is a collective we here) so quick to call another woman a whore, bitch or slut if we don’t like the way she acts. I’ve heard some of the ugliest name calling come from women (which is sad considering I know many more men then I do women).
I may not have chosen to make my money dancing on a pole, but who are we to judge the women who have made that decision. We don’t know what that woman’s circumstances may be. She could have felt that she had nowhere else to turn to feed her starving children or she could just have the confidence to WANT to do it. Regardless of which case it is I don’t feel any of us have the right to look down on someone who as taken this on as their profession. Why do we have to resort to calling them names or treating them badly? On that note I don’t feel any different about women who work in porn or any other “questionable” profession. If that's what they felt like they needed or even wanted to do, what’s wrong with that?
My position is, it’s not my life and I don’t have to live with the consequences of their decisions so why is it necessary to make such a clamor about it? People like to bring up the issues of morals and ethics as a reason to degrade these members of society. In my opinion it’s neither moral nor ethical to be rude or disrespectful to people just because they happen to partake in activities we may not “approve” of. Our approval is not necessary in order for them to live their lives as theirs is not necessary for us to live ours.
As woman we should be uplifting each other not trying to tear each other down because someone here or there doesn’t fit into the neat little guidelines of our moral code. I’m not saying we don’t all have a right to our opinion but when it gets to the point of judging others and becoming rude or hateful, I have to draw the line.
What do you think?
Thanks for stopping by.
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